"Who You'd Be Today"
by Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Grumble, grumble, grumble, blah, blah, blah

What a fucking day and it is only 10 a.m.

Remember those shots I was saving up to get in my knee. Remember how my insurance wasn't going to cover it, so I was going to have to pay for the shots out of pocket. Remember that the full series of shots is five shots and, at $180 each plus office visit, was going to cost me a little over $1,000.

Well, today was shot day one. I show up. I am informed that, oh, sorry, the shots are $280 each. Oops.

Sure, it's just an extra $500. No big deal, that's only a paycheck and a half.

Fuckers.

Somehow, my daughter has conned my mother into getting her own room. Now mind you, there are only three rooms in this house. The one my mother and Zoe share, the one I sleep in, and my father's. So, in order for Zoe to get her room, someone has to move in with my Mom. And, ladies and gentlemen, it is not me. Everyone caught up with this? That's right, my parents will be sharing a bedroom.

"Why is this a big deal," some may ask. Oh ho ho. This is not just a big deal. This is huge! My parents haven't shared a room in years. Years people. 8 - 10 at least. They will not be sharing a bed. That would be nuts. But they will be in the same room. Future updates will most definitely be forthcoming.

Anyway, since I am off today and everyone else is being uber productive, I decided I should be too. So, I have cleaned my room. I am very good at tucking crap into every nook and cranny. I give the impression of cleanliness without actually being clean. I have generated enough trash to fill a black garbage bag full. Go me!

Now, here is the really excellent part in all this, guess what I found. My Barnes & Noble gift cards. $100 worth of books! Wheeeee. I am planning on going shopping either tonight or tomorrow after work. I need me some more books. I have read three in the two weeks since Gail and I went shopping. Do you know how many I can get with $100?

My income tax refund still hasn't shown up. I am more than a little pissed off by this. I wanted to make hotel reservations for Disney for next weekend. There is very little left. As it is, I will either end up in a cabin at Fort Wilderness or a villa at Saratoga Springs. Since my brother and sister-in-law are staying at Saratoga, that may be what I choose, but either option is ridiculously expensive for two nights.

I also want to go clothes shopping. I am in desperate need of new clothes. Two pairs of pants have holes forming in the butt. All my shirts are boring. I really really need some new bras. Plus, I need a dress for the wedding and something black so when I hang out with Danuta when I go home I won't embarrass her by being all colorful and stuff.

Hopefully the government just screwed up and I will be getting a check in the mail on Monday, instead of a direct deposit that should have been here yesterday. If I don't get my money until next Friday, I am going to be really annoyed. Then again, if I do get a check, I am going to have to drive to Sarasota to deposit it. That will bite. That's like two hours one-way. And our mail doesn't get here until 3:00 in the afternoon. That will have me driving through Tampa during rush hour. SUCK!

Oh well, I have gift cards! What more can I really want?

I got my 5-year review from Home Depot on Friday. I was fully expecting to be greatly disappointed by it. Generally, when money is up for discussion, suddenly you can do no right. But, surprisingly enough, I got a very good review. Good enough that I am going to post it here for posterity. Atrocious punctuation is completely theirs.

Leader's Summary Assessment

Christine is exceptional & distinguished in cooperation with others at all levels. Chris maintains personal composure in high stress situations; she handles confrontation of customers, to jams at Self Scan Check-outs to call outs of Associates; very multi-tasked & follows through with completion. Chris adapts her schedule to our business needs often coming in to cover a shift on short notice. She is supportive of all procedures & processes and has passion to achieve results.

Key Strengths

Successful completion of InFocus Quiz monthly
High enthusiasm with positive teamwork
Knowledge of Front End operations
Team player - eager to learn
Multi-tasked

Key Development Needs
Continue to grow your knowledge of other Operational functions of the business (Special Services & Pro Desk)
Motivate Cashiers with positive results:
- Customer smile & greeting
- ESP
- Credit
- VOC

Development Plans/Training
Completion of Customer Engagement Observation Forms ASAP
Positive promotion of VOC to Cashiers ASAP
Plan, develop & execute a process to identify ways to increase sales within 3 months

Very good overall I would say. Plus, I got a $0.35 raise, so that is good. And Jen and I discussed my need to be full time and she said we would work on a plan for making that happen. So, I guess I will be with the Depot a little longer yet. Maybe a lot longer, as the job market down here sucks greatly and, especially with the raise, it is not likely I will find anywhere else that I would be making as much as I do there. If only it was 40 hours a week and not 24 - 29. And the insurance didn't suck so badly.

It's been a long time since I last posted. 10 weeks ago according to the home page. A lot has happened, but really it is all the same.

I became an aunt for the second time this morning. My sister, Fayanne, gave birth to a (beautiful, I'm sure) baby girl at 10:44 a.m. (Central). Seven pounds, two ounces, 18 inches long. Cora Elizabeth. The fact that I was that last one to find out at almost 2:00 p.m. (Eastern) doesn't bother me in the slightest. And if you believe that, you obviously don't read my page very often.

Christmas was good.
My birthday was decent. Michael was here at least.
Life goes on.

Still having my soul sucked out of me by the Home Depot. Now not only are they draining my life force, they are taking my money. In addition to the baby my sister just had, and two weddings coming up for cousins, I get the pleasure of five baby showers and one wedding shower (and wedding? I don't know yet if I'm invited) at work. HOLY FUCKING HELL. What is in the damn water? Thankfully, I don't know two of the girls having babies very well and will likely not be invited to showers. The other three I like very much, but am relieved that the Head Cashiers have decided to go in on a group gift for each, thus saving me an ass load of money.

I am waiting on an unexpectedly sizable IRS refund so I can get the shots in my knees. I am still rather annoyed that these shots are going to cost me nearly $1,000 and that none of it is covered by insurance. To add insult to injury (snicker), they only work 50% of the time. And may need to be repeated in six months to a year. If they don't work the first time, there will NOT be a second. Overall, however, my knee has been feeling better finally. I don't think I limp near as much as I used to. Then again, that could be the pain pills I am on. They work very nicely and keep me on my feet all day without too much discomfort.

I do, thankfully, have several events to which I am greatly looking forward. The first weekend in April, my brother, sister-in-law, and (now) oldest niece will be down to visit. They will be doing their usual stay out at Disney, so I'll be heading out that way for the weekend. Then, Michael is going to be graduating from 8th Grade the Sunday before Memorial Day. I plan on heading up to Illinois for that and staying through until my cousin's wedding on June 7th. Two whole weeks back home. I have a list of places I want to eat and friends I want to see. I just hope I get to do it all.

Well, I need to go finish making dinner before my mother gets home.

TNT is playing all three Lord of the Rings movies in a row today. This makes me ridiculously happy.

Sometimes I forget how wonderful these movies were, but then I catch even just a couple minutes and my faith is renewed. Moments in the movie, like the part that is on now, are just so fantastic. So perfect. I just... I just love it.

"It's me. It's your Sam. Don't you know your Sam?"

"I can't do this, Sam."

"I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really matter, full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes, you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, to show that even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stay with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand, I know now, folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't, they kept going. Because they were holding onto something."

"What are we holding onto, Sam?"

"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

::sigh::

Thank you, TiVo, for the opportunity to play that scene eighteen times in order to get that soliloquy down.

"I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales?"

"What?"

"I wonder if people will ever say, 'Let's hear about Frodo and The Ring,' and they'll say, 'Yes, it's one of my favorite stories.' 'Frodo was really courageous, wasn't he, Dad?' 'Yes, my boy, one of the most famousists of Hobbits. And that's saying a lot.'"

You left out one of the chief characters. Samwise the Brave. I want to hear more about Sam. Frodo wouldn't have gotten far without Sam."

"Now Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun. I was being serious."

"So was I."

"Samwise the Brave."

It is no surprise to anyone when I say that I suffer from depression. I have seen a professional, I have been on medication, it's all kinda the same. Added to this, I also get "seasonal" depression. It always starts in October and lightens up sometime in March or April. Living in the Chicago area all my life, this I assumed was weather based. However, now that I am here in "sunny" Florida, I can tell you it's not. It will be almost 80 today and I feel like crap.

That's only a partial reason for this post. The main reason is that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly during my 35 - 45 minute drive to and from work. I have completely stopped listening to the radio or my iPod for months now, just because my mind is so busy, I don't really hear it anyway. I started with a mental list of things that might make me happy. Things like moving back to Illinois, getting a new job, a boyfriend, friends in general, or a place of my own.

As I analyzed each option, I made a pretty big discovery. The only one that I really think would make any difference is friends. I need real life friends. I need someone to hang out with, go to movies with, talk to with some frequency, basically drag me from the hole I keep digging and make me look around. The downfall? Well, there are many. First, where do I just meet people. Yes, I have met a great group of people at work, but they all live 30 miles away, not an easy "hang out" distance. Especially when the movie theater I prefer is 30 miles in the other direction. Second, I am seriously self-centered, not a quality other people are going to be looking for in a friend. Third, I am crap with making a first move. I find myself physically unable to form the words "Hey, wanna do something sometime?" So, yeah, I may have made a breakthrough, but it won't get me anywhere.

Likewise, I made a really scary realization on the job front. I have always romanced the idea of going back to school. However, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. So many things appeal, but for one reason or another, I have talked myself out of them. Then, the other day I had my scary thought. If I suddenly, today, figure out what I want to be and start going to school only part-time, a two-year degree will take me at least twice that long to actually accomplish, plus extra time for any pre-requisite courses. That would be about 5 years give or take. Do you know how old I will be in 5 years, 1 month, and 15 days? Forty. 40?!?!?! Holy fuck! I do not want to be starting a new career at 40. And worse yet, what if I am still finishing school? At 40. Gah!

So, yes, I am still living my life in my head, because it is what I know and what I do and I don't know how to stop. And even when I think I figure it all out, I squash it with my insecurities and idiocracies (I don't even know if this is a word, but if it's not, it should be and it should have my picture next to it in the dictionary).

It's here. It's here. My new TiVo is here.

I have been without for exactly 10 months and three days. But no more, I have a brand spankin' new TiVo ready to be installed and loaded up with record requests.

Wheee.

In honor of today being my baby sister's birthday, I took in a double feature at the movie theater.

I saw Elizabeth: The Golden Age and Dan in Real Life. Neither was spectacular, but I enjoyed both. Man do I wish Clive Owen would do better movies. I want to go and swoon over him, but he doesn't ever give me the chance.

I complain. A lot.

I haven't been happy with my situation, well, since I was old enough to consider myself as having a situation. However, every once in a while I have a really good day. Though this good day happened a couple days ago, and as it happens pretty rarely, I feel the need to memorialize it.

Zoe started school on Monday as most kids in the state of Florida did. This being said, my sister and brother-in-law decided that Tuesday would be an excellent day to head over to Disney. They invited me to join them and, really, how could I refuse? They picked me up a little after 7:00 so that we could get out there before the day got too hot. Unfortunately, I am learning that even 7:00 in the morning can be too freaking hot.

The kids were apparently not all back in school as there were still many families there, but the usual summer crowd had greatly diminished. We were able to practically walk right on Space Mountain, only had to wait a few minutes for Pirates. By 2:00 we were hot and tired and decided to head for home.

Once on the Monorail, however, the plans changed. I mentioned that for the Food & Wine Fest in October I had booked a Studio at Saratoga Springs (a posh Vacation Club Member-Only resort) on a Passholder deal. We decided to drive over and check the place out. The gatekeeper most definitely did not want to let us in, but she caved without too much hassle. We drove the perimeter then headed for the pool and, of course, the poolside bar. While we were there we decided that it was not worth the huge fee, no matter how nice the discount or the service. I need to rebook, but where?

That's when inspiration really hit. Amazing how alcohol can do that. Over the next couple hours, we visited Port Orleans - French Quarter, All-Star Sports, All-Star Movies, Coronado Springs, and Wilderness Lodge. Naturally, we had one alcoholic beverage at each poolside bar along the way. Well, except Wilderness Lodge where I believe I had two, though it may have been three, I lost count.

My baby sister caught up to us at Wilderness Lodge and we took the shuttle boat over to Fort Wilderness for dinner. If you are looking for a fantastic bar-b-que buffet and don't mind spending $17 per person, I highly recommend Crockett's Tavern. It was awesome. Or I was really really tipsy and would have eaten just about anything. Eeh.

The Magic Kingdom fireworks over the lake and a boat show (which we ended up seeing twice as we made our way back to Wilderness Lodge) followed. By the time we got home it was after midnight and I was exhausted. But satisfied. It really was an awesome day. It's good to know I can still have awesome days. I was starting to fear they were gone.

I haven't updated in a while. Michael is here for the summer, so we have been busy hanging out. He leaves again on July 24th and I am going to be horribly bummed. I am hoping to go up for his birthday in October and he will be back down for New Year's (and maybe Thanksgiving), but that is still not the same.

I am still frightfully homesick. Nothing seems to be making it better. I am very disenchanted with Home Depot. I am disenchanted with Florida. I am disenchanted with life. But what else is new really?

I went to an orthopedic surgeon in early June who told me in addition to the five things on the MRI, my knee cap is not aligned in the joint properly and that it is rubbing, which is most likely my main source of pain. His solution? Don't do any excessive walking, standing, stretching, bending, lifting, lose weight and come back in three months.

Just like that. Like I am supposed to snap my fingers, drop 300 pounds and life will be good.

Needless to say, I did go for a second opinion and I will be having surgery on July 27th to cut off the torn bits of cartilage and suck out any excess fluid. The knee cap will wait until we see how this goes and while, yes I do need to lose weight, how the hell am I supposed to do that when I can barely walk? Thank you very much.

I am getting excited for the final Harry Potter book. I am annoyed at myself that I did not plan ahead and request the weekend off. I work both Saturday and Sunday that weekend so I will have very little reading time. My son and sister will have the book done before I get a chance to start. I wonder if Home Depot would mind if I just sat on a stool at Self-Checkout and read all night, only looking up enough to hit a button or two?

Of course we saw the midnight show Tuesday night of the fifth movie. It was very good. It's too bad the books are getting so long and so much needs to be cut out to make the film manageable, but it was still an excellent movie. The feel of isolation was there and that's really what that book is all about.

That's really it for me. The kids and I are doing SeaWorld on Monday. I have only ever been there once in my life and that was 25 years ago. Then we do Disney Tuesday thru Thursday next week. We are staying at the Pop Century for two nights, so we can come and go all over the parks and have a good time. I hope the weather isn't too stinking hot and that my knee won't bother me too much.

It seems like everyday I have off of work, I am going to some doctor or another. It is a habit I am not at all fond of. Last Wednesday I went in to have the doctor give me the results of my MRI, which I had already looked up on the internet. I am pleased to report that by going to the other office, I got a woman doctor. On the negative side, I am not sure she is to my liking. At that visit, she recommended I see an orthopedic surgeon, which I was expecting. She also had blood drawn.

I went back for the results of said blood work yesterday. I am a little annoyed that I had to go in for my results. I am used to my doctor back home that would mail a little pre-printed post card giving me the results. Either way, after sitting in the room for 15 minutes, she comes in and admits that they can't find my chart from one week ago, so she doesn't remember why I was there in the first place. When I mention the MRI for my knee she remembers.

She goes to the desk and comes back with a couple sheets of paper, then starts talking about elevated levels of something. I had thought the initials she used were LDL, so I thought we were talking about high cholesterol, but then she says something about an oncologist. My brain started to go fuzzy, but I pulled it back together to realize she was saying that normally there are two markers that go up and only one was elevated, so she's not sure what to do. She decided to check with her husband (the doctor who runs the clinic), but that in the meantime I should just go to the orthopedic surgeon to see what he thinks, then get blood drawn again in two weeks to see if the level changes at all.

Great. Just fucking great.

This, kids, is why I don't go to the doctor.

I picked up the report from MRI today. Needless to say, I just spent about an hour on the net trying to translate this silly thing.

Impression:

1. Likely meniscal tear involving the central zone of the posterior horn and body of the medial meniscus. Translates: I have torn the cartilage of my knee near the center. Surgery is possible, but not necessarily a cure.

2. Mild degenerative osteoarthritic changes are seen in the medial aspect of the medial tibiofemoral joint. Translates: Early stages of arthritis. I am in for a lifetime of pain.

3. Edema signal is seen in the medial aspect of the medial femoral condyle and lateral aspect of the lateral femoral condyle. Translates: Excess fluid around both of the ends of my femur.

4. Moderate sized knee joint effusion with thickening of the synovium concerning for knee joint synovitis. Translates: Excessive fluid in and inflamation of the soft tissue lining my knee joint cavaty.

5. There is lynphadenopathy with the popliteal fossa. Translates: Swelling of one or more lymph nodes in the space/depression at the back of the knee joint.

There was other stuff, but these were the recap kind of items. I have an appointment Wednesday to talk with the general doctor to see where I go from here.

One thing is clear though, I don't think I am going to be able to continue at Home Depot in my current position. I cannot stand and walk all day anymore. Even if I do have surgery, my chances of healing completely don't look good. Plus, if I am developing arthritis at the age of 34... OY!

Everyone who knows me in real life knows that I am terribly neurotic and hopelessly self-centered. The last couple days have brought both of these sad attributes out in full force.

( My pathetic tale )The good news is, I have lost 20 pounds since moving to this god-forsaken place. Go me. At this rate, I'll be a goddess in about 10 years!

SQUEEEEE!!!

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End trailer now available at Disney.com!

I don't think I can wait for May!

Oh gosh is this tempting...

A reality CSI show??? How much do I want to sign up for this????

Florida is nice, there are definitely worst places to have to move against your will, but...

I am so horribly home sick.

I just sent a message to a friend saying that I can't meet for a music festival in Miami the last weekend in March. I really, really wanted to go, but I can't afford it. The part-time hours and cut in pay have really taken a toll on my paycheck. Granted, I am getting a really nice tax refund, but in all actuality, it equals three mortgage payments with $126 left over. That's not much.

The person who was originally going to buy my house, contingent on them selling theirs, has backed out of the deal. So there is nothing on the horizon. Just a big house, sitting empty.

Thinking about it makes me sad. I want to be living in that house. Snow or no snow, I want to go home.

I haven't been sleeping again, and as I was laying awake last night I decided I made a really stupid decision moving down here without selling the house first. Yes, I missed Zoe a lot. But I had a full-time job back home. I had my son. And my niece. And my beautiful house. And friends.

Fuck, I had a boyfriend that I could at least cry to once in a while.

In Florida I have nothing.

Today is Ashton Kutcher, Chris Rock, James Spader, and Eddy Izzard's birthdays.

I guess it would be safe to say that people born on February 7th have a good sense of humor.

It would be fun to check that some how with horoscopes or something. Just to see what the stars say.

At least they do when you are single mother and a home owner who lost their primary source of income during the first quarter of the year and have been working a full-time gig in retail that doesn't pay jack shit.

I got my W-2s yesterday and my mother did my taxes for me right away last night.

Are you ready for this?

I am getting $4,300 back from Federal and $300 back from Illinois.

HOLY SHIT I'M RICH!

Not really. This doesn't get me anywhere near what I would need to pull me out of the red, but it does buy me a little breathing room.

Now if there was only a way to get it today without having to pay stupid fees. ::sigh:: I guess I can wait 4 - 6 weeks for the government to process it and then have it direct deposited into my checking account.

But I want it now. < /whine >

Holy shit!

Someone has been working out.

Click here to find out what Harry Potter is hiding under his robes.

Have I mentioned I want to do all kinds of dirty things to this boy?